More on Love.

“Have you heard of the Ham and eggs analogy?”

“The what?”

“The Ham and eggs analogy: you’re either involved or you’re committed.”

“What does that have to do with ham and eggs?”

“Ham and eggs is the difference between being involved and committed. The chicken is involved but the pig is committed”

(Laughs)

Advertisements

Love.

“You have to love her no matter what kind of love you believe in.”

“I love her now”

Okay..”

“But I don’t know if I’ll love her ten years from now.”

“You don’t know if you’ll be alive ten years from now!”

-Committed (2014) – The Movie.

An Other.

So often our troubles seem insurmountable and there is no solution in sight. There is fear, apprehension, hurt, anger and regret all mixed in shades of themselves.
To overcome that is natural instinct. That’s how life progresses.

But when another’s trouble makes you tear up inside and take away your night’s sleep…and when all you really wish is to make it alright for someone else despite knowing how to, is when you have evolved as a person. And the other who you want to help; share burdens with; console and take care of- is important to you.

I had read a post about karmic cycles and soul-circles. If any of that is actually true then you both are probably of the same circle trying to rescue each other and attain the next level of progression together.

That’s the beauty of being alive – wanting to intentionally help another, support another, nurture their dreams and make sure they sleep alright.

Parents do it to us when we’re young. And it’s a blessing when we find partners and friends who you can do the same for and they reciprocate unconditionally.
I think we grow everyday.

And today is that one extra day that I was given to realise this. To realise that I have the capacity to feel for another and share their worries- unconditionally. And I’m glad I could.

Listen you.

Yes you,

There’s a difference of half a day between us – I walk ahead and you follow. Some days, I forget that such a difference exists. But in our life together, I feel you’re ahead of me always holding onto my slipping hand-looking back to see if I’m catching up. Thousands of miles and an entire face of the earth separates us.And its in between these hours and this distance- twilit and wee, that the two us make our ends meet. 

You’re a man of few words. And I know this much that when you use them, you mean every syllable and that gives me hope until the next time that I miss our rendezvous and flip at you- as is my nature. I know how tough I can be to handle. But you somehow calm the my barrage of thoughts. Not through charm and debauchery. But wisdom – with patience- the things that make you walk ahead of me, guiding my hyper-excited self on this road that we took not knowing what would follow. I wouldn’t say I’ve accepted this as our final reality and that I’m a river of hope – waiting to wash you off the shore when you come back and sit by me. No, I’m still going to throw words at you which will sting the next time I get impatient or allow our egos to lash against each other. I am going to look behind – hide things I feel I’d be judged by; break your heart with a simple glance of nonchalance. Some days I will come crying to you and bury myself within you – and if you’re not there for me at that moment-then you wouldn’t hear from me unless you come looking for me like you’ve been doing. You always come to find me even if I’ve put you off.

I was never really broken by love. I am too young for that. But there are other things that run deep- things people don’t talk about. Things that flood into our lives and take away precious memories and possibilities. What once was will never be. I’d get hurt, I’d wait, I’ll heal and something would come hurt me again. Repeat this enough and you begin understanding at a very early age that life as you see it is different from what most others see. Pity – I look down upon because it has never done any good to me. Hope I hold- but it slips away like sand and everything else that is blissful to hold onto. Emotions are momentary. They come -enthrall you with their intensity- seep little by little until one day they are nothing but a distant memory. Nothing but a few things are here to stay, in our lives. And when you know the deeper meaning of all these innuendos you understand how hard it is for some of us to maintain a constant rainbow of happiness. It comforts me to tell myself that I’m deeper than the others- but the alternate truth could be just one simple thing: I’m living in denial, perhaps. Whatever it is – what no one could do, you’ve done. So far, so good. And even this journey has been (though short)tumultuous and you’ve managed to steer us past the rocky bits.

At the end of the day you always make the wise choice of Asking me if I’m really okay – listening to my fears- solving my little problems as though I’m your child- laugh at my insecurities with me and then make me sleep better. We’ve shared many things. But its time I told you how special I feel when you do not mind going that extra mile to make sure I never sleep with a turbulent thought. I know its hard for you – in another place, a whole new different life, other friends, different experiences and opportunities -to remember a time that we spent together and to relate to my parallel reality – as a workaholic and all the other things that come with me – but you manage. 

We’re too young to think too much (says the over-thinker). But I’m just glad I have someone who is away from my immediate situation and sometimes when I’m torn to bits- your simple, ‘So what I was telling is- its going to be okay. You sleep, okay? I’ll call tomorrow.’ can make a world of a difference. I don’t have to tell you the details – you figure them out anyway. You never give up on my tyrant self because somewhere you have the heart to understand.

You apologize far too much for little mistakes that I love about you and turn a deaf ear to all my self-depreciation with a that doesn’t even matter. I’ve been told I’m wrong so may times that when you say you don’t care if its right or wrong, I see hope – hope in a more accepting me. I learn from you – the way you believe that you can make up for everything that we are not experiencing as we should- for believing in a person like me who is far too busy figuring out herself and being there for those who need her most- you understand why I am the way I am. So this long letter that I’m sending right before our exams begin is a reminder – a warning – a letter of gratitude- for somehow always taking care of us being the wiser one. I ‘ll take care of everything else if you can just take care of us and never lose hope. Because that is all that binds people who live miles apart like us, alive. Our circumstances may one day force us into another reality perhaps, in the future. But at least we will have these moments of certainty – now we know that there is a possibility of safety, of love and of deep understanding.

You say you’re not good with words like me but whatever you use- work like magic on me.. You’ve made this year far too special for me since you came back and I knew I was the person you spoke last to, before taking off. 

I know you love these never-ending passages of mine that I send you in My Day- while you sleep- so that you wake up to paragraphs, literally everyday. But this one’s all about you. About us. And about the uncertain yet grateful me.

We’ve had our great days- every memory is etched in my mind- all that laughter; all the stupidity; the running – the madness- the darkness- the light- the piggy-faces-the tantrums-the waiting-the adjustment-the excitement and the miles. And these memories are here to stay so we can make some more, hopefully. I won’t share more because honestly, as time’s passed by and I’ve grown up (or so I believe) I’ve begun understanding: some things are best kept between us.

I will say nothing else because you already know. I will die before saying a cheesy line to make anyone happy. But its all bottled up inside for the next time you put me off. Do not worry. I will never disappoint you in that department. I will never go easy on you – always be whimsical and indecisive. Expect nothing and yet hope for everything. Because you know what, in this entire world right now, I believe you’re the only one I feel the necessity to assert my wishes upon – haq se– just you. Happy Valentine’s Day (there, I said it before it got over in your zone). Also, Come back soon. 

Me.

 

(PS: This is written as part of The Chennai Bloggers Club Valentine’s Day Letter Special so take it lightly readers)

Happy Valentine’s Day, Chandler Binggg

large

*In that blood-curdling- nasal-twangy-Janice-From-F.R.I.E.ND.S-tone*

Yes, that’s right. I thought (not less than a hundred times) whether or not to post a V-Day post. I live in this parallel-Universe where Corny-Cheesy V thoughts are frowned upon if not abhorred. Honestly, I’ve always believed if you really have the hearts-kisses-cuddly teddy-thoughts for someone, its going to last for a long time and you don’t need such a day to remind yourselves to go on a date where you’ll probably splurge more than you did on his/her birthday (See : birthdays > concept > totally another Universe. I say, go all out on making someone’s birthday because that is really something. I know I’m contradicting myself. I’m not a hater of celebrations. Hell no, I’m just picky about some. Its a personal blog, remember? So yeah. *winks*)

I believe that besides being a highly successful commercial idea – VDAY is the day you can breeze into someone’s life -ask them out- and no matter what the result be all coy and say, “Well, its Valentine’s day, no?”. Good luck with that.

But if you’re still gummy bears about it, then yes, I do hope you have a great time. But have you heard of these Anti-Valentine Bashes? Now these are the real amazing people. They get together as a symbol of their not being coupled with someone- to party it out – probably meet another specimen who they can then hope to make their valentine next year. Are you serious? You want to party? Partaayyy – why name it like that? Isn’t Valentine’ Day (bless that poor Saint who’s name is getting dragged into all of this) cheesy enough that you have to find an anti for it? There is absolutely nothing to be upset about not having a valentine. Chances are you’re much happier today than most coupled ones. Anti-V is almost asking for pity and louve. Really, you can do much better.

So, today I’m going to do some posts – in a string, yes. My senior blogger buddies must be clucking at the idea of bulk content being pushed into the world at once. I’m sorry, I really have no option here.  Also, I must catch breakfast.

So, yes, if you’re sitting like me staring at a computer or phone- but hoping someone pops the question : just do it yourself. Use this opportunity to make a complete fool out of yourself. I believe in doing things you think you must. Chose the harder option. Silent-love is so 18th Century – “Oh but how do I embrace my love for her when she is betrothed to Master Sullivan?”. Get over yourself and shake that ass with some happiness in you.

Love yourself.

Perhaps, celebrate yourself today (like I plan to despite having a Valentine) and be less hypocritical about it (I’m trying, don’t roll your eyes at me).

My Mum texted me Happy valentine’s Day so I know whose day to brighten up, now. 

Also, dear, do NOT, I repeat : Do not randomly wish people you find cute. Its such a put off. Not even as a  joke. Because, darling, everyone these days can see right through each other. Yes? Good. Time for some good writing now. I love you all, V or not.

Arrividerci.

 

 

Perhaps

Music makes time feel less linear. Parallel Universes begin to cast forward the chance of their existence when some notes play.

#selfquote

Perhaps it’s part of a bigger para, a story, a book. Or its just a standalone feeling. From a cold heart or a mind filled with a million possibilities.

Journey

You stumble and fall.

You get lost.

You join nomads.

You abandon travel-mates.

But you’re still walking.

Sometimes running – out of breath.

You never stop.

Life doesn’t let you – that’s its cruel sweetness.

The unseen beauty of how things work – the process in continuum.

You choose some of the paths you take.

And the others choose you.

You find companions on the way.

Some stay while the other have a way of withering away.

Some demand your time. Some are free.

You’re either a nurturer or a wanderer.

You choose companions – for life or for the moment.

That’s the law- break it- and you feel lost within your Universe.

You’re always thinking- too less, too much, deep or shallow.

Reminisce – nostalgia -memories give light.

Fears. Challenges. Betrayals – bring dusk upon you.

You breathe. You sleep. You cry and then look up at the constant sun.

This journey that our lives have begun – ends only at the beginning of another.

Someone

Would you still write poems

when the walls come crashing down

and walk beside me on the sidewalk

in the numbing, cold rains.

 

Someone who keeps me up

with words that make a difference

and goes on silent, long-drawn

bookshop dates and nostalgia trips.

 

Someone who scribbles in my

sketchbook his wiry handiwork

just to annoy the hell out of me

and then take me to poetry-slams.

 

Someone I can ponder with

about all the mysteries in our mind

Someone who says things

without worrying about time.

 

Someone I can talk art with

And not worry what he thinks 

about my opinion and 

Has one of his Own.

 

I see images of you in many,

but I settle down for none.

Because you’re somewhere out there,

looking for the one.

 

This Life

IMG_20151020_150015310.jpg

Take a step. No, wait. Think about it. Twice, thrice – repercussions. This will haunt you forever. You can’t rewind life.  The past always makes an appearance in the future. Phew.

Thorathi varattum. Paakalam.

The truth is, time is running out. The other day when we were just chilling in a friend’s room watching Modern Family and Hailey went about saying she is twenty-one I realised I’m going to turn the same age in a month. Adulthood is getting more real by the passing hour. And soon I’ll have  a job and vacations will be unpaid-leave and not something the college lets you have so you can come back afresh for a new semester.

And I’m not restricting myself to the code-books of appropriate living anymore. I’ve done everything right up until now when it comes to getting into college, deciding on a career, being a nice person. So now I want to live a little more.No, don’t worry, I’m not going off to Himachal on a horse. I mean to say, I always hold myself back everywhere, thinking too much. Worrying about this and that. And yesterday was an important day and I realized that I lost some really important things and people because I gave into the pressures of life and apprehension. And now I can’t undo any of it. So why should I follow rules that are breaking me? 

I rewound to Goa. Sushi, Hrishi, Priyo and I were chilling together after walking the entire evening along DB Marg as out Professor explained the urban heritage of Panjim. We saw many spots we wanted to stand a little longer. But we couldn’t so as soon as our teachers left us Scot-free we decided to retrace our path and walk back to the hotel. And on the way we just walked, laughed and thought of nothing. Just did what we wanted. I remember happily singing and walking with them on a bridge where they were burning something for a ritual while some others were fishing with their own private fishing rods. I had never seen those things before in my life and I was giggling merrily in my state of bliss. 

I want more carefree moments like that. I want to be an independent person who makes memories. And takes risks and uses opportunities without thinking a million times. I know when to draw lines; when to say no and when to sleep instead of dancing. 

I will write when I get ideas. Scribble. Dance on the road. Meet that guy I missed last time before he went off to the States. Read more, more and more. Debate. Involve myself in political debates. Put my head into things I’m not so aware about. Make mistakes. Get corrected. Get looked down upon. Be judged. Cry about it. Wake up stronger. Laugh about it with friends. Learn more. Write more. Explore my interests. Hate on ex-girlfriends who still have a power over these nice boys. Have food with both hands. Not brush my hair before classes. Wear BATA sandles to everywhere I go. Eat cold pizza right off the fridge. Throw things. Lose stuff. Let it go. Create art. Talk to new people. Create more original work. Listen to good music. Have my own opinions. Express them. Evolve. And just be happy. Learn to hug right. And not get awkward when cute guys talk to me. Be proud of the movies and music I like and not try to be someone I’m not. Instagram whatever the shit I want to. Tweet remind my first love indirectly that he’s missing out on the priciest chic in the town. Haha. Prank people. Meet my Blogger friends. Laugh with them. Love them and their many stories and personalities.

Spend more quality time with the parents and the sister whom I’m missing out on, majorly. Take them out to dinners and show them places. Cook burnt dinners for them, decorate the house for festivals with them. Catch up on everything our life made us miss out on. See my sister become something great. Be there when y parents begin cribbing like Piku’s. Read my poetry to them even if its for an estranged boyfriend. Haha.

Careers happen. Degrees come and stay in folders and walls. Pay for the niceties in life. But these moments make us who we are – make us sleep with a smile or a tear on your face. Make us human. And I want to live them all. To the best of my potential. I want the heart to burst with joy and be able to cry when I want to. Live the entire spectrum of emotions.

Not run behind the right people but Make it Right for those whoa re actually with me. And make merry. Cherish every last cookie in the jar.

To a life lived with love. Meet me soon, I don’t want to miss out on any of you. I want to know your stories, share mine, see places with everyone who knows me and write about our adventures. Laugh. Cry when you leave and hang pictures on my wall. Let nostalgia keep me awake and dreams put me to sleep. While I live now.

Thank you for reading this far. I hope you realize what you want of life, too, if you haven’t already.

#IAmBLF

So what’s this hashtag about? Wait, you don’t even know that its doing the rounds? Well you know the Bangalore Literature Festival? Of course you do. Remember how we stalked Girish Karnad last time? Exactly, that same amazing fest. The only one where you actually get to BE with the people who move you with their words, put you to sleep (in a good way – the reading before falling asleep way) most nights when the going gets tough, the ones that entertain us with satire throughout the year- yes, that one. You’ve seen their names in your bookshelves and on posters. Now you can see them talk, joke around and be themselves with you.

Its a tradition for some of us. And to organize such a meet is no fool’s play. We’ve always seen Jaipur, Mumbai and Delhi organize grand ones with Oprah Winfrey et all attending. So some Bangalorians along with a few really good folks from the Literati decided to bring one for Bengaluru – the BLF. And its being conducted pretty smoothly every year, since then. Its a Bengaluru thing now. Just like our Comic Cons, Hindu Theatre Fests and NH7 Weekenders, etc.

Its Our Thing – the bookworms’ retreat. And now someone is trying to put hurdles before it.

Before going any further  I should like to remind you that its scheduled on Dec 5th and Dec 6th in the Royal Orchid, Whitefield , Bengaluru. You have to come because you just can’t miss it. For more deets, schedules, authors-attending, etc:- 

http://bangaloreliteraturefestival.org/  (REGISTER NOW)

No, this is not an advertisement. Far from it. Its more like an announcement because its our own Festival, Bengaluru.

So now introducing the hurdles. The recent #AwardWaapsi and #Intolerance – you do know about it… social media these days is at least doing a great job of News Transfer. So there is this one guy whom we all are grateful to because he brought #BLF with some other geniuses to Blore (like I said) and was the Director of the event until recently when he started facing pressure from Tolerant Bhakts  and  Self-appointed Thekedaars of Our Society because of a recent comment that he made regarding him not returning his Sahitya Akademi Award because he believes it was given to him by the People and other scholars-authors-jurors who’s decision he respects. 

Last I knew we were a Democratic Nation where everyone is allowed to have an opinion at least. Unfortunately, Politics is crossing the line and interfering with the Literati. A friend of mine debated that Literature and Politics are intermingled. So be it. And we like it that way. We encourage healthy debates because then come the solutions – the right questions – the honest views and the repercussions. But intolerance disguised as boycotting/pressure on an individual for having an opinion is not an answer. Come, join us, debate with us – and we shall have a really good time. But trying to pressurize one among us, we will not allow.

Let the pen and its wielders talk. I’m not a politically active person to deserve the right to express anymore views except just to let you know that This is what is happening. And it is unjust. We stand united with BLF and Sampath who created it with the others. So, stand with us if you will. or just come any way because there is A LOT in store for you and its still going to be the celebration that its always been.

Join us all at the BLF 2015 

I have exams starting on the 2nd and I’m hoping on a star that I get to be there. See you all. Good night/ good day to you.