There’s a difference of half a day between us – I walk ahead and you follow. Some days, I forget that such a difference exists. But in our life together, I feel you’re ahead of me always holding onto my slipping hand-looking back to see if I’m catching up. Thousands of miles and an entire face of the earth separates us.And its in between these hours and this distance- twilit and wee, that the two us make our ends meet.
You’re a man of few words. And I know this much that when you use them, you mean every syllable and that gives me hope until the next time that I miss our rendezvous and flip at you- as is my nature. I know how tough I can be to handle. But you somehow calm the my barrage of thoughts. Not through charm and debauchery. But wisdom – with patience- the things that make you walk ahead of me, guiding my hyper-excited self on this road that we took not knowing what would follow. I wouldn’t say I’ve accepted this as our final reality and that I’m a river of hope – waiting to wash you off the shore when you come back and sit by me. No, I’m still going to throw words at you which will sting the next time I get impatient or allow our egos to lash against each other. I am going to look behind – hide things I feel I’d be judged by; break your heart with a simple glance of nonchalance. Some days I will come crying to you and bury myself within you – and if you’re not there for me at that moment-then you wouldn’t hear from me unless you come looking for me like you’ve been doing. You always come to find me even if I’ve put you off.
I was never really broken by love. I am too young for that. But there are other things that run deep- things people don’t talk about. Things that flood into our lives and take away precious memories and possibilities. What once was will never be. I’d get hurt, I’d wait, I’ll heal and something would come hurt me again. Repeat this enough and you begin understanding at a very early age that life as you see it is different from what most others see. Pity – I look down upon because it has never done any good to me. Hope I hold- but it slips away like sand and everything else that is blissful to hold onto. Emotions are momentary. They come -enthrall you with their intensity- seep little by little until one day they are nothing but a distant memory. Nothing but a few things are here to stay, in our lives. And when you know the deeper meaning of all these innuendos you understand how hard it is for some of us to maintain a constant rainbow of happiness. It comforts me to tell myself that I’m deeper than the others- but the alternate truth could be just one simple thing: I’m living in denial, perhaps. Whatever it is – what no one could do, you’ve done. So far, so good. And even this journey has been (though short)tumultuous and you’ve managed to steer us past the rocky bits.
At the end of the day you always make the wise choice of Asking me if I’m really okay – listening to my fears- solving my little problems as though I’m your child- laugh at my insecurities with me and then make me sleep better. We’ve shared many things. But its time I told you how special I feel when you do not mind going that extra mile to make sure I never sleep with a turbulent thought. I know its hard for you – in another place, a whole new different life, other friends, different experiences and opportunities -to remember a time that we spent together and to relate to my parallel reality – as a workaholic and all the other things that come with me – but you manage.
We’re too young to think too much (says the over-thinker). But I’m just glad I have someone who is away from my immediate situation and sometimes when I’m torn to bits- your simple, ‘So what I was telling is- its going to be okay. You sleep, okay? I’ll call tomorrow.’ can make a world of a difference. I don’t have to tell you the details – you figure them out anyway. You never give up on my tyrant self because somewhere you have the heart to understand.
You apologize far too much for little mistakes that I love about you and turn a deaf ear to all my self-depreciation with a that doesn’t even matter. I’ve been told I’m wrong so may times that when you say you don’t care if its right or wrong, I see hope – hope in a more accepting me. I learn from you – the way you believe that you can make up for everything that we are not experiencing as we should- for believing in a person like me who is far too busy figuring out herself and being there for those who need her most- you understand why I am the way I am. So this long letter that I’m sending right before our exams begin is a reminder – a warning – a letter of gratitude- for somehow always taking care of us being the wiser one. I ‘ll take care of everything else if you can just take care of us and never lose hope. Because that is all that binds people who live miles apart like us, alive. Our circumstances may one day force us into another reality perhaps, in the future. But at least we will have these moments of certainty – now we know that there is a possibility of safety, of love and of deep understanding.
You say you’re not good with words like me but whatever you use- work like magic on me.. You’ve made this year far too special for me since you came back and I knew I was the person you spoke last to, before taking off.
I know you love these never-ending passages of mine that I send you in My Day- while you sleep- so that you wake up to paragraphs, literally everyday. But this one’s all about you. About us. And about the uncertain yet grateful me.
We’ve had our great days- every memory is etched in my mind- all that laughter; all the stupidity; the running – the madness- the darkness- the light- the piggy-faces-the tantrums-the waiting-the adjustment-the excitement and the miles. And these memories are here to stay so we can make some more, hopefully. I won’t share more because honestly, as time’s passed by and I’ve grown up (or so I believe) I’ve begun understanding: some things are best kept between us.
I will say nothing else because you already know. I will die before saying a cheesy line to make anyone happy. But its all bottled up inside for the next time you put me off. Do not worry. I will never disappoint you in that department. I will never go easy on you – always be whimsical and indecisive. Expect nothing and yet hope for everything. Because you know what, in this entire world right now, I believe you’re the only one I feel the necessity to assert my wishes upon – haq se– just you. Happy Valentine’s Day (there, I said it before it got over in your zone). Also, Come back soon.
(PS: This is written as part of The Chennai Bloggers Club Valentine’s Day Letter Special so take it lightly readers)